CHAPTER FIVE: THE LEFTOVERS

Summer's Tale

Chapter Five: The leftovers.

All of them suddenly rushed by my side. Kate, Corinne, Victoria, Will, Rob, and a lot of others familiar faces. I tried to recall their names, but I couldn’t remember any of them. I glanced up at Sean, his face, only inches from mine and his hands, gripping my arms tightly. “Move aside. Let her have some fresh airs!”

I guess somebody might have notified the teachers by now. Or maybe even the principal. I could get expelled from the school for jumping off the building, suicide if you may prefer.

My thoughts were still back few minutes ago. That wasn’t just simply illusion of mine. Carter did call me. Summer, don’t do this, his voice repeating again in my mind. The way he called out for my name. It sounded so different from the others. Carter, he seemed to be more and more mysterious than he used to be. There feels like so many secret hidden beneath him, all awaiting for me to explore.

The tiniest chance, it might exist, a second chance.

“Let me help you.” Sean gently pulled me from the ground and we walked slowly, one step at a time, as if I might get tripped if our steps got faster. When we walked down the stairs, I thought I saw a familiar shadow among the crowds. I thought I saw Carter, at the very last end of the crowds. “Carter.” I turned my head and struggled to get off from Sean. At this very moment, I want to be in Carter’s arm. I want to feel his warmth running through my body. “No, Summer.” Sean looked at me, and instantly, I know he’s not gonna let me go right now. So, I walked even slower, taking carefully, each and every step.

“Sean Connor, you may stay and accompany Summer. The other students please wait outside. Or I think the teacher might prefer you all to go back to class.” The nurse said, her voice, loud and clear. Everyone is curious. Everyone wants to be the first to know about Summer Darren’s reason behind her attempt of suicide. So nobody moved their body out of the medical room. “Excuse me.” She cleared her throat. “Move along, kids … Katherine Ray and Corinne Dale, can you please ask Miss Lake to come to the medical room for a moment? A student might need some of her help and advice.” Her eyes flickered to me. Oh my, Miss Lake, the counselor, my nightmare.

I turned around to face Sean. “Don’t worry. I’ll be here.” He tapped my hands and gave me an encouraging look.

Knock knock. I have a few guesses. The principal, Mrs. Yale, Mom (it couldn’t possibly be Dad) or the counselor. The biggest chance, Miss Lake of course. She’s always on time. “Sorry, Miss …” “Janet.” “Sorry, Miss Janet. But Miss Lake appears to be not in her office.” The first time ever, I got wrong in guessing. It was Kate and Corinne. Miss Lake is finally in the right timing this time, even though as I mentioned earlier, she’s always on time. I could escape from the horror of spilling-the-truth session now. “Oh well, we couldn’t do anything about that can we? I guess, Summer can have a chat with Miss Lake later then.” I looked at my girls and gave them a thankful smile.

…

I had become the most popular topic among the high school students, from the drowning-in-rain incident, the Judith’s Pub incident and the hottest of all, my attempt of suicidal. People would have thought that I read too many books, burned my head and gone crazy, a psycho perhaps. I can hear people whispering about me, everywhere. Even in the toilet.

“I wonder what’s wrong with that smart ass.” “I heard she broke up with her boyfriend and ended up herself being even broken hearted.” A high pitched voice attracted my attention.” “Who’s the lucky guy?” I heard water splashing onto her face. “Did you live in a cave or something? You don’t even know Summer Darren’s boyfriend?” “Just tell me who is it.” “It’s Carter Smith, for god sake.” “Oh my, that hot, smart, charming, almost perfect guy is her boyfriend?” “Not anymore.” They laughed loudly and their voices faded as they got out of the toilet.

I pushed the toilet door and started splashing water onto my face, until I realized my shirt was soaking wet. “What took you so long Summer?” The door was half opened and Kate peeked in. “Oh, I see. You’re bathing.” She said sarcastically. “Coming.” I wiped my shirt clumsily. It made no difference. Who cares anyway, and I walked out of the toilet.

Since the incident where I tried to kill myself, my parents had been totally, over cautious about everything I do. “SUMMER! What are you doing?” Mom screamed from the living hall. “Umm, I’m cutting the cucumbers?” “LET ME DO IT!” “Oh okay.” They wouldn’t even let me handle the knife. Perhaps they were right doing so, cause’ I did once or twice wondering how does it feel like to peel off my skin using the knife.

I’ve seen Carter even lesser at school now. No doubt he had been avoiding me. I’ve never tried approaching him again though. Maybe he really does want me to move on and leave him with his life. So, I tried to listen. But I eventually felt tired of being happy all the time, especially when I’m not at all.

On the other hand, Sean had almost, completely gone into my life. Mom had sort of put in charge of him accompanying me all the time. I wonder why Mom had suddenly put so much trust in him. She barely knows him. But, I feel comfortable enough being with Sean, so it doesn’t matter.

…

I stared at the window outside. The winds were blowing strongly. A lightning flashed across the sky, and lighted up the dark sky. I hided my face into my pillow and covered my ears with both of my hands. A loud thunder rumbled. It was so loud it sounded like as if the house was going down. I checked the time. 4.55am.

A few seconds later, it started pouring outside.

I turned my body, so that I was facing upwards. I looked at the ceilings for quite a while and checked the time again, 5.00am. I yawned. My eyelids felt heavy and I thought I was going to fall asleep. But then, my eyes don’t obey, and I stayed awake. So, I checked the time again, 5.07am. God, I couldn’t sleep anymore. And so, I decided to get up. Even though there are still 3 hours until the school open.

I got down from my bed and tried hard not to tumble onto anything. I reached my hands out in the dark and switched on the table lamp. I took out a ball point pen and started writing.

Dear Carter,

I wonder if there’s any chance in the future that you might be able to forgive me. Forgive me on all the hurtful words I’ve spoken to you. I’m really sorry. And I couldn’t deny to myself that I still love you. I’ve made the biggest mistake I’ve ever did in my life. If time could be rewind, I would give up everything I have to do so. Life had been so dreadful without you. I find myself no reason to wake up every day. I find myself wandering in the past. Trying hard to remember every second we had together, not letting them fade away. Sometimes, I could even see our shadows. Sometimes, I could even hear your tender voice calling out for me. But, all of that was just my pathetic illusion. I’m desperately in need of you.

Life isn’t complete without you. I’m so shattered. Will you be able to fix me? Will you be able to mend my broken heart?

Carter, remember you once promised me that you’ll never give up on me? Promises aren’t made to be broken. And I’ve been waiting for the day that you’ll come back to me. It had been almost a year now. Yet, it seemed to me that your hatred towards me had grown even stronger, day by day. Remember you used to be the one waiting for me? Now I am the one.

How is it that you can leave everything we had? How is it that you can stop loving? This is all killing me. I’ve never felt so alone in my life before. I tried doing the same as you told me, move on. But everything turned out even worse. I wonder why I would have the thought that I could let you go, I could forget everything that happened between us and live a new life. I don’t know why. And clearly, I don’t know how.

I was lying all along to myself. The feeling never faded. It was only left, hidden somewhere beneath my heart.

Carter, I miss you. How are you doing in your life?

A few drops of tears fell down from my cheeks and wetted the paper. I clutched the letter in my hands. In a spilt second, I tore them into pieces. I picked up the pieces of paper and threw them into the dustbin. What was I thinking? Sending him letters? Summer, you have to do better in moving on.

I walked towards my wardrobe and chose a plain t-shirt with a jean. I cleaned myself up and got dressed. I went downstairs, walking quietly, not wanting to wake my parents up at this time. I opened the fridge and the cool air blew towards me. I took out the carton of milk, poured them into a glass, and closed the fridge. I searched for some bread, but there weren’t any. So, I grabbed my glass of milk and sat on the couch, facing the blank TV screen.

I did everything slower than usual, dragging along the time.

After I finished with my light breakfast, I went to my library, picked out one of my favorite book. With The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks in my hand, I walked into the backyard. I sat down on the swing, the sunflowers blooming beside me. I took a deep breathe, inhaling the fresh airs and entered into the imaginary world.

...The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we've found each other. And maybe each time, we've been forced apart for the same reason. That means that this good-bye is both a good-bye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will become.

When I look at you, I see your beauty and grace and know they have grown stronger with every life you have lived. And I know I have spent every life before this one searching for you. Not someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must always come together. And then, for a reason neither of us understands, we've been forced to say good-bye.

I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us, and I promise to do all I can to make sure it does. But if we never meet again and this is truly good-bye, I know we will see each other again in another life. We will find each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed, and we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we've had before...

Tears welled up my eyes. Why did I choose this saddening book? This day is gonna be worse. I shook my head, at the same time wishing to shake off the bad feeling. I felt so bitter. The words had cut me to the core, each and every one of them. I skipped the paragraph and flipped to the next page.

Suddenly a piece of paper fell onto the grass. I bend my body and picked it up. The paper is slightly crumbled, for I guess, it had been in between the pages of the books for quite some time. My fingers touched the handwritings written on the paper.

To the most beautiful lady I know –
Now that I’m alone again, nothing is as it once was.
The sky is grayer, the ocean is more forbidding.
Will you make it right?
The only way is to see you again.
I miss you,
Carter.

I laid the paper on my lap. My throat ached, making it difficult to breathe. I dabbed my eyes using my fingers lightly. Composing myself, I read through it again and again. Recalling the memories behind this piece of note Carter gave me.

…

“I’ll miss you so much Summer! Like so much, so much.” He sighed. “I know.” I touched his face gently and giggled. “Oh, come on Carter, it won’t be long, just two weeks off.” It was the mid year holiday, and my family and I were heading back our hometown. My grandparents said they missed their granddaughter. Truly, it had been a very long time since I saw those two friendly old folks. “Just two weeks huh.” He made a sad face and stared up at the sky. “Hey, you have to learn to live without me someday still.” I was lying on his chest, counting his heart beats, as he swung both of us in the air. “Yeah right, as if you could!” And he laughed lightheartedly.

...

Yes, I remembered that holiday. Carter sent me little notes every day. I still didn’t figure out how he got my hometown address. But anyhow, he’s always full with surprises. And I kept all the notes he wrote for me. I wonder how this one got here, and where are the others.

As I was deep in thought, trying to figure out where the other little notes are, the sun started to rose up from the east. The sky was suddenly lightened up by the shining sun. The clouds were painted in golden orange color, as the sun rose even higher. I checked the time, 7.10am. Sean should be here in a few minutes.

I slipped the note into the page where I stopped reading and went into the kitchen from the backdoor. I tidied myself up, washed my face as my eyes were all reddish already. And the bell rang.

I looked at the mirror and made a wide smile with my fingers. As my fingers dropped down to my side, I was back with my sulking face again. I just couldn’t feel the happiness. I opened the door and Sean was with his usual cheerful look. “Morning lady.” “Morning Carter.” I covered my mouth, I didn’t expect that. I thought Sean was going to get mad for me mistaking him as Carter, but he just laughed. “I’m Sean Connor if you don’t know that, miss.” “Sorry, my mistake, Chief.” Sean smiled at me.

“I see your eyes are red. Thought about that fella’ again?” Washing my face doesn’t make any difference, I see. “Yeah, he just somehow flashed over my mind.” “Hmm. He’s even disturbing your mind? How rude of him.” I giggled. He turned on the stereo and his favorite country singer was on the radio. The girl’s beautiful voice always sounded familiar to me, but I just couldn’t remember her name. Well, as if I would care about the entertainment world.

Cause’ when you’re fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you gotta believe them. And when you’re fifteen and your first kiss makes your head spin around. But in your life you do things greater than dating the boy on the football team …

I wished she had been there to tell me that when I was fifteen. I looked outside the car window and started tracing a love shape with my finger. I spotted a couple walking hand in hand across the street. I’ve seen couples very often and I swear I never had this kind of envious feeling I’m having right now. But well, days were different back then, I got Carter with me.

“Taylor Swift is so great isn’t she?” “Huh?” “The song you were humming just now? That’s Fifteen by Taylor Swift, my favorite country singer.” He said, sort of in respect. I didn’t realize I was humming. “Oh, so that’s her name.” “Tell me you don’t know.” “I know now.” And I stuck my tongue out at Sean. “The famous 19 years old, country singer Taylor Swift. You only know now!? Summer, you really need to take a walk at the outside world.” I laughed.

8.00am. It took us longer than usual to get to school. I looked around. These houses, I’ve never seen them during our route to school before. Maybe Sean was driving another way. As I was about to ask Sean, a beautiful view laid down before my eyes. Tall coconut trees were swaying beside the road. A lot of white yachts were out at the sea. There were kids running around at the beach, flying kites. Sean opened the car window for me and I could smell the ocean, I could hear the kids’ clear and happy laughter. I looked at Sean gratefully. I was so delighted and overjoyed.

The sky looked beautiful even after the heavy rain in the morning. It was a perfect fine sunny morning. It’s been long since I felt, that happy. Every smiles and laughter of mine were really out from my heart. We took of our shoes and left it under a coconut tree. The sands were so soft and cool. It felt so good to walk on even with barefoot.

“So, what brought you here?” He was closing his eyes and enjoying the cool sea breeze as I am. “You, of course.” “Me?” “It’s been long since you got out seeing the world, just a little surprise. I thought it might cheer you up too, since you looked sort of sulky today.” I smiled. “Well, you really got me cheered up. This place is so beautiful. I don’t even remember there’s a place so beautiful that exists, even though it’s just about half an hour drive from my house.”

The waves lapped gently onto our legs. Sean sat down and he patted the sea water beside him, signifying me to sit with him too. I ignored the fact that I was going to be totally wet and sat down. Colorful kites and seagulls were flying together in the sky. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warm water wetting my legs and my body. “Hey, don’t sleep.” Sean nudged me. “Shut up.” And I laughed. “Okay, if you insist.” Suddenly, everything went into silence. I couldn’t feel Sean beside me anymore. I opened my eyes and find myself sitting alone, and Sean was no where to be found.

I stood up, no need to say half of my body was already soaking wet. I couldn’t care much and started searching for Sean. “Sean!” I got exhausted and so I waited at the coconut tree where we left our shoes. My hands felt something in my pocket. I took out and saw 3 missed calls and 6 messages. All were from Sean.

Whr r u? -0934am.
Wait 4 me @the coconut tree. -0938am.
WHR R U? I CANT FIND YOU. -0950am.
REPLY ME. -1004am.
ANSWER MY PHONE. -1007am.
Just stand wherever u r. -1009am.

Gosh. Why didn’t I think of calling him instead of running around the beach, screaming for his name like a total crazy person? Immediately I dialed Sean’s number. “... Been here all along, so why can’t you see? You belong with me, you belong with me…” Come on Sean, picked up the damn phone, where are you? I cursed him under my breath. I was so worried, I called him for almost 5 times, but all I hear was the famous 19 years old country singer, Taylor Swift singing in his ringtone.

Suddenly I heard somebody’s footsteps coming nearer and nearer behind the coconut tree I was sitting. When I was about to turn around and see if it’s Sean, I only heard water splashing down, and second later, I was wet from head to toe. “SEAN!” I screamed at him. He laughed so hard until he fell onto the sand. I punched him hardly on his shoulder. “SEAN! I AM WET!” And then I ended up hurting my fingers. “Ouch, my fingers.” “I’m so sorry … Summer …” He couldn’t even finish his sentence with all the laughing. Tears were even starting to form in his eyes. He wiped it off and made a deep breathe. “I’m so sorry Summer. You look too funny. Seriously. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing.” I wiped off the waters on my face. Furiously, I took the bucket and ran towards the ocean, leaving Sean behind looking at me with a questioning face. Seconds later, I came back with a pail of water and immediately splashed onto his face. “HEY!” He shouted. “You cheated! This is your punishment.” Then, I started laughing my heads off as Sean was too, soaking wet like me. His hair was sticking at his face and waters were dripping from his shirt.

For the rest of the afternoon, we laid down under the hot sun, trying to dry up our clothes but in the end, almost ended up being sun burned. “I hate you so much, Sean. First you made me soaking wet, next you almost got me burned.” “Don’t I look almost the same like you?” We laughed. “Let’s get something to feed you.” “You mean you. Your bell,” I pointed at his stomach. “Rang?” We both broke into laughter at the same time, then we fought like kids all the way to the café.

“Sean, do you think I’ve gone mad about Carter?” I tried to sound casual, as he finished with his last spoon of ice cream. “Well,” He placed down his spoon. “I’ve been through these dark times too. So, I truly understand your feelings. I know it is difficult sometimes to leave your past and move on, especially when you think you’ve hurt your special one.” He poked my nose. “Technically, you’re not as mad as I’ve been before. Talking about my last broke up. I disappeared for almost four days.” “You're really crazy for the girl.” “Yeap, that’s exactly what everyone said.” I took my last bite of sandwich. Sean continued saying. “It’s normal to feel like this. You’re not really losing your mind.” “People always said that one day I would be happy again and this really, awful feeling would just be a distant memory.” “I know, but it was getting to that feeling that part was the hard part right?” He finished off my sentence. “Uh-huh.” I nodded my head. “Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time. And I’ll always be around.” He reached his hand across the table and placed it on mine.

Everything had been so nice, until … the unexpected happened.

“Wow, I’ve never know that sun set could be so beautiful.” The sun set view by the beach was totally exhilarating. The ocean was in golden color, so beautiful as if it had just been painted. Suddenly, Sean hugged me from behind. I was shocked by his ambush. “Summer, I love you.” He whispered into my ears. The sound of the world was muted. The only thing audible was my heart beat, racing wildly. Inhale. Exhale. He turned my face so that he could look deep into my eyes. “Can I …” He held my hands. “Make you mine?” No words came out of my voice. I couldn’t. No. I can’t. But, how could I possibly break my best friend’s heart? It would tear me apart and make my life even worse than now. Guiltiness, happiness, my feelings were all mixed up. He looked into my eyes, waiting desperately for my answer. My hands dropped down and I turned to the sun, which had almost swallowed up by the sea. The sky was starting to turn dark.

“What’s wrong Summer?” I tried to avoid his eyes. I need to reassure my feelings, so that I could be cruel enough to say those words. I felt uncomfortable being so close with him. “Please? Be my lady?” “NO!” I said in a cold tone. “I know you love me Summer, I can see in your eyes.” He leaned closer towards me. Before I could realize anything, his lips crashed onto mine. I struggled out of him. Sean doesn't give up. Instead he went even deeper into me, urging me to reply his kiss. When he finally stopped to let me breathe, he gave me a smirk. “That wasn’t too bad Summer.” Without hesitation, I slapped him hardly on his face and ran off.

This isn’t happening now. No.

I kept on running and running until I was totally out of breathe. My handphone wouldn’t stop ringing, eventually I switched it off. Silence was all I needed. Where am I? I looked around, the night had already arrived. All the tall coconut trees surrounding me, I should be still at the beach. My head turned and look behind. It was quiet, only the lapping sounds of the waves. I think I got lost of Sean.

Rewinding back to what happened just now. Partly, what Sean said was true. Yes, I do love him a lot. But, I don’t know, I just couldn’t accept the fact that I do, especially in this kind of situation, especially when I’m still trying to get over Carter, especially when I couldn’t and I want Carter to come back my life. I feel like I’m cheating on both of them and the thought struck me.

The angel and devil in my mind started quarreling.

“Oh stop dwelling on the past Summer, Carter isn’t everything!” The devil shouted at my ears. “No Summer this isn’t right, you love Carter, you know that!” The angel fought back. “And you know that Carter doesn’t love you anymore! But Sean now, wants to be the one to protect you and you seem very happy when he’s around.” “That isn’t true you this little devil. There’s still a part of Carter that wants you back, Summer.” “I guess there’s a bigger part that all Carter wants is Summer to be happy again.” The devil snickered.

“SHUT UP, YOU BOTH.” I screamed loudly towards the ocean, wanting to scream out all my pain. The angel and devil’s voices vanished from my mind, leaving me and myself, alone. I sorted out the pros and cons. If I ended up with Sean, life would be really happy just as it had been for the few months he had been helping to heal my wound. I have no doubt Sean can provide me the happiness I need. But, I miss Carter and I knew I would do anything to get back with him, only if the tiniest chance exists. What if it isn’t like what I had in mind?

“Sean? ...”

Seemed like the devil had won over me.

Credits to, The Notebook and Message in a Bottle by Nicholas Sparks.